Excerpts from P.J. O'Rourke's _Modern Manners_ ACTING CUTE Once you know what you're doing is wrong, it's easy to learn how to get away with it. The first technique of mis- behavior is to be cute. When the generation born after World War II began to act up, they wore feathers in their hair, put paint on their noses, and went around sticking chrysanthemums down rifle barrels. _Life_ magazine adored it--it was so cute. But later they began doing things which were much less cute, like threatening to vote, and it became necessary to kill them at Kent State. Of course, "hippies" were also violating a basic principle of cuteness; they were getting old. To be cute you must be young. If you had a great big adult dog and it whined all night, tore up your shoes, and messed on the rug, you'd have it gassed. But when a puppy does these things, it's cute. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ON TIME Whatever type of event you're attending, it's important to be on time. Being on time should not be confused with being prompt. Being prompt means arriving at the beginning. Being on time means arriving at the most interesting moment. Excepting love affairs, that moment is rarely the beginning. "On time" is between midnight and four A.M. in New York, even for an eight o'clock play. Between midnight and four A.M. the actors will be getting drunk in a bar, and they'll be much more fun to talk to than when they're up on stage. In most other urban areas, "on time" is between twenty minutes and an hour late. This gives everyone else time to be late, too, and they'll appreciate it. In the country being on time more nearly approximates being prompt. But don't overdo it. Being early is an unpardon- able sin. If you are early, you'll witness the last-minute confusion and panic that always attend making anything seem effortlessly gracious. In California, "on time" doesn't mean anything at all. An appointment for a meeting at three o'clock on Tuesday indicates there won't be a meeting and there might not be a Tuesday. Few words and no numbers have any meaning west of the Nevada border. SMOKING IN PUBLIC Smoking was once subject to all sorts of polite restrictions, but now it's just illegal. Therefore, there's only one remaining rule of etiquette about smoking in public: make sure you don't smoke anywhere else. Smoking is an inexpensive and convenient means of showing fashionable comtempt for middle-class rules and regulations. Smoking also looks good. People who don't smoke have a terrible time finding something polite to do with their lips. But, when no one's around to see you, it doesn't matter what you do so there's no point in smoking then. If someone asks you not to smoke, tell him you have no intentions of living to be an embittered old person. But thank him for his concern. WHEN ONE PERSON IS IMPORTANT AND THE OTHER IS "INTERESTING" The most delightful introduction you can make is to introduce an important person to someone he or she is going to find sexually interesting. This introduction is made in two parts. First you prep the sex object:"Kiki, save the drugs for later. I'm going to introduce you to Antonio. Antonio is a famous photographer... Yes, he does lots of fashion--Paris _Vogue_." Then you march Kiki over to your well-known friend. "Antonio, you're going to love this girl. She once made Warren Beatty bleed out the ears." Kiki's name is not a necessary part of the transaction. HOW TO START A CONVERSATION If you find yourself with strangers or people you don't know well and you want to break the ice, ask them if they'd like to screw. This is flattering, concerns them personally, and will lead to lots of interesting gossip.